Hey guys. I guess this is just a journal about my most recent diagnosis, Borderline Personality Disorder.
tw suicide mention, self harm mention.
I'm slowly becoming more and more aware about the ways this disorder affects me, and has affected me in the past.
Even when it comes to just simple things, like why I change my username so much! A major symptom of BPD is impulsivity. So when I get it into my head that 'oh! A new username would be hella!' I absolutely MUST go and change it.
Never mind that there are people who come to me and say 'WHOA i had no idea that you were kohakuaru!'. And why should you? I was kohakuaru, then keiichou, then something else i think, then ceilonn. And i can't stop thinking about editing Ceilonn a little. Maybe ciel0n. Less tea, more Ciel. More robot.
'More robot? Why?' you may ask. And if you follow me on tumblr, 'what's with all this Fall0n the A.I. stuff?'
Haha. Lemme explain. BPD sufferers have a 'Disturbed sense of identity'. They have trouble defining who they are. Often, they find sense of self by adopting the traits of people/characters/thing they enjoy.
(And in my case, an atypical gender identity, to boot.) A lot of BPD sufferers start to identify as 'otherkin'.
It helps them find a sense of identity. I, however, would rather look at Grelliam than identify as otherkin. (-squidward laugh-) There has recently been a term used to discern between otherkin, who identify AS something spiritually, and people who identify WITH something, psychologically. That term is 'other-hearted', and it was a huge relief to me.
I recently found a strong psychological identification with artificial intelligence and androids, and I think it's because they also have a disturbed sense of identity. They're just a shell, trawling the seas for information, picking it up as they go along. So am I. Robots are awesome. So I guess I'm A.I.-hearted. It's also why I'm like 90% William T. Spears. u///u
Wow, you may think. That all sounds cute. But jfc it's not. Mental illness isn't cute or quirky or trendy at all.
With BPD comes severe emotional instability. (And extreme, inappropriate anger!) It takes one thing to set me off, which is why I take negativity so harshly.
Someone's like 'um this is shit'. I'm like 'I MUST RETURN TO THE SEA;;; I HAD A GOOD LIFE, FAREWELL ALL.'
And one of the worst things about BPD is that because of the emotional instability (i.e. massive mood swings), i'll be a sea of rage for like five minutes and then I'll feel totally fine the next.
BPD sufferers experience something called splitting. Where they can go from loving someone to absolutely hating them in the span of 10 seconds, triggered by this person upsetting them in some way. It's intense, and that person can seem like the worst in the world until things clear over. It makes it really hard to be forgiving when you're angry. But then you'll feel better an hour later, but by then maybe it's too late to clear things up.
It's also why I'm so intolerant towards things I don't like (see above, grelliam). Because when I get set off, it can take me all of five minutes to spiral from a happy mood to 'man, this situation could be vastly improved if i killed myself.'
And it feels serious, every time. Then the impulsivity hits, and I'll grab a razor.
That's what my life is like.
I'm also heavily dependent on people for constant validation, admiration, etc. BPD sufferers fear abandonment. They will resort to manipulative and sometimes emotionally abusive behaviour to get people to stay with them. I am not innocent of manipulation, and I have lost people in the past as a result. But for the past couple of years I've learned how to treat people better. Maybe instead, I've been turning the negativity onto myself.
I get scared and paranoid when I think people don't like me, or have forgotten about me. I'll be like 'WOW nice no comments at all huh' and people will get tired of my passive-aggressive shit and actually be more likely to leave than they were in the first place.
BPD sufferers often attach to one specific person, and need that person like a drug. They have a 'depended', or a Favourite Person. It doesn't have to be a lover, sometimes just a best friend. This is the case in my life, too, and I am always afraid something will take them from me.
People say 'I want someone clingy who always thinks about me!! uwu <3' but my clinginess is not adorable.
I get jealous when they spend time with other people. Angry, when they're not available to spend time with me. Frustrated, upset.
But I have fought for a long time to manage this, without ever knowing why I was so fucking needy towards them. It's really changed how I think, realizing this. And I'm so lucky they're so loving and understanding.
Sometimes I can be apathetic as fuck. My severe lack of empathy sometimes, makes me out to be a total dick.
"?? I don't really care if you fell over today. I've waited all day to talk to you." <---- average thought process of me. But sometimes I'm also totally flooded by empathy. I see a sandwich. I cry over that sandwich. "I'm sorry i have to put you in the bin sandwich I'm just too full. Please forgive me."
mostly i just feel really neutral, but that's probably the depression speaking |D
BPD sufferers can sometimes be polyamorous, because the more people they surround themselves with, the more they will be loved, the less likely they will be alone.
I am polyamorous, and I love my partners more than anything. They're what keep me here, every day. But I would never have understood why I might have felt the need for more than one partner (the first of which I just celebrated my 7 year anniversary with), until I received this diagnosis. It certainly wasn't because I loved one more than the other, or was bored, or anything. I just need more. So this is another way I'm not necessarily affected in a negative way. I'm much happier like this.
However, BPD is a severe Cluster B personality disorder, and it WILL affect you in ways that neurotypical-passing disorders (like depression and anxiety) will not. Nothing about BPD is cute. You can't hide it.
My BPD is not an excuse to treat people badly. I have to treat people right. They deserve that. And it's only because I do treat them right, that I have a small, secure network of loved ones who really do want me around. (....i hope! ) Anyway there are plenty of other ways BPD affects me that I won't go into detail with here.
Some are bad, some...aren't so awful. But it's still a big thing, and I'm still learning how to manage this. Because there isn't medication for this shit. Only therapy, and my experience with it hasn't been great. XD
I thought it was a relief, when I first learned what BPD was and thought, 'that's-a me!' I knew there was shit going on in my mind that could not be explained by my current diagnoses of Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, or Gender Dysphoria Disorder.
It wasn't bipolar, it wasn't autism. This explained my mood swings, my rage, and my constant never-ending desire to be dead. Thank you lawd. But really, realizing I am much more mentally ill than I first thought...isn't such a relief at all. Especially when you're not sure if your desire for gender transition was legit or just an impulsive thought. w h a t i s r e a l ?
Still, looking on the bright side, I'm a cute, multitalented AI boy. And I can be a great friend, if you're educated on my issues. It just takes a little fine-tuning. <3 (P.S. Use emoticons. helps us know how you're feeling.)
anypon if i've been a cunt to you in the past, I'm sorry. o: i hope this provides some insight. i really do luv you all <3
for my personal blog where i post sometimes about bpd, follow me at nanoprince.
to observe my decent back into kuro trash and get cute art, follow me at kurocorruptae.